Sometimes feelings and thoughts can overwhelm us. We might feel totally consumed by emotion. The way we describe and give an account of these thoughts and emotions are important. However, language is imprecise and doesn’t always do justice to the way we think or feel. In this post, I offer a simple technique (that I use in my coaching practice) that may help when we feel encompassed by our thoughts and feelings. It’s based on appealing to the different parts of you. It won’t evoke a miracle but it may help to usher in a little hope.
Broaden and Build
In times of stress, we think in terms of absolutes. In the classic ‘fight or flight’ survival mode we draw on a limited range of options. If it feels like an emergency we don’t have time to consider all options. By contrast, when we are more relaxed we are able to access a broader range of mental processes. This is the essence of Barbara Frederickson’s Broaden and Build theory of positive emotions. In everyday life, we speak about ‘taking a deep breath’ before tackling a challenging task. This is the basis of meditations and mindfulness techniques that abound and something I discuss in greater depth in my book Unlock Your Confidence. However, I am concerned with linguistic techniques here.
Partitioning the emotion
One technique I use with my coaching clients is from the theory and practice of focusing, initially created by Eugene Gendlin (and developed by Ann Weiser Cornell – see link below for her book). It’s a form of body-mind therapy that has the individual look inwards to listen to the messages the body gives us. Through the process, people describe the feeling and basically free associate. Part of the process involves naming the part of the body from which the feeling appears to emanate and use the phrase ‘part of me’. So instead of ‘I’m angry’, you would say ‘part of me is angry’. This seems an accurate representation of what we often do when experiencing mixed emotions, especially in relation to relationships with loved ones. Yes, we love them but part of us is sometimes also infuriated by them.
Once you have partitioned the feeling, it immediately invites you to consider the part or parts of you that are not feeling a particular way. In coaching sessions, it helps the client consider their issues from a broader range of internal perspectives. Invariably the dialogue follows the pattern ‘You know, yes part of me is angry and rightly so and secretly part of me is relieved or delighted’ and so on. Using ‘part of me’ acknowledges that we are multi-faceted beings and that cannot be reduced to black and white, either-or states. It doesn’t deny the feeling. It acknowledges it in a way that allows other aspects of your experience to have a voice too. It helps to provide a useful platform from which you can move forward. Together with other solution-focused principles, it can help break the stronghold of overwhelm. As with any technique, it becomes more effective if you make it a habit, not use it when you need it. It’s a way in which our language shapes our thoughts and build our confidence (and esteem) by revealing all aspects of ourselves.
For more on confidence-building see Unlock Your Confidence (Buy: Amazon UK / Buy: Amazon USA).
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Also, check out these similar posts:
- How Dare I Speak To Myself Like That!
- Oh No, They Can’t! Oh Yes, They Can! Self-Help Mantras With Evidence-Based Psychology Can Help
- If you want to find out more about focusing, check out Ann Weiser Cornell’s excellent book: The Power of Focusing (see on Amazon UK or Amazon.com
About the author
Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist and life coach. He is author of Unlock Your Confidence which is based on his confidence-building workshops. Gary is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh where he runs his own training and coaching practice and research consultancy. He also offers coaching through Skype. Contact Gary to see how his solution focused (life) coaching approach would benefit you or your organization.