Building Unshakable Confidence: Unveiling the Power of Confidence Karma

Confidence – that elusive quality we all strive to possess. It empowers us, propels us forward, and enables us to conquer our most significant challenges. Yet, at times, confidence seems to evade us, leaving us feeling uncertain and hesitant. This blog post delves into the root causes of a lack of confidence. It explores practical strategies to reclaim and nurture our self-assurance. But first, let’s introduce a unique approach: Confidence Karma. This approach recognizes that we boost our own confidence as we seek to uplift others, creating a positive cycle of growth and empowerment.

What causes of a lack of confidence?

• Unfortunate comparisons: In the age of social media, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others. Measuring our achievements against other people’s ‘highlight reels’ can erode our self-esteem and lead to a lack of confidence.
• Past failures: Negative experiences and setbacks can linger in our minds, creating self-doubt. ‘Reliving’ past failures without acknowledging the lessons learned hinders our ability to move forward with confidence.
• Fear of judgment: The fear of being judged or criticized by others can paralyze us. Worrying about what others might think stifles our authenticity and it prevents us from fully embracing our unique abilities.
• Self-limiting beliefs (SLBs): Deep-seated beliefs about our worthiness and capabilities can hold us back. These SLBs, often formed during childhood, create a fixed mindset that impedes our growth and stifles our confidence.

How Do You Fix a Lack of Confidence?

• Self-reflection: Awareness is the first step towards positive change. Start by examining the root causes of your lack of confidence. Be honest about the negative thoughts and beliefs hindering your self-assurance. 
• Embrace imperfection: Shift your perspective on failure. Understand that setbacks and mistakes are stepping stones to growth and success. Embrace the idea that perfection is unattainable, and that progress is more important than flawlessness.
• Cultivate self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that it is okay to be imperfect. Nurture a loving relationship with yourself.
• Surround yourself with positive influences: Gaining support from encouraging people can positively affect your confidence. Seek out mentors, friends, or communities that uplift and inspire you. Their positivity will fuel your self-belief.

The Power of Confidence Karma

Now, let’s explore the innovative Confidence Karma approach. By focusing on building our own confidence, we become catalysts for confidence in others. Here are keyways to embrace Confidence Karma:

• Encourage and uplift: Offer genuine compliments and words of encouragement to those around you. By lifting others up, you create a positive and supportive environment that fosters growth and confidence.
• Share experiences: Open up about your struggles and triumphs. By sharing your journey, you inspire others to embrace their own challenges and build resilience. Remember, we’re all in this together.
• Mentor and support: By sharing your wisdom, you empower others to believe in their own abilities. It can start small. By offer guidance and mentorship to people who may benefit from your knowledge and experience your confidence will grow too.

In conclusion, confidence is not an unattainable trait reserved for a select few; it’s a journey and a skill that anyone can learn. By understanding the causes of a lack of confidence and implementing practical strategies, we can reclaim our self-assurance and embark on a journey of personal growth. So, let’s embrace the power of Confidence Karma. Let’s challenge the comparison trap and replace it with self-acceptance and self-love. Let’s acknowledge our past failures as valuable lessons and stepping stones toward success. Let’s release the fear of judgment and embrace our authentic selves unapologetically. Let’s shatter self-limiting beliefs and adopt a growth mindset that propels us forward. Remember that by the Confidence Karma approach, we not only build our own confidence but also become beacons of empowerment for those around us. As we uplift and support others, we create a ripple effect of confidence that reverberates through our communities.

Get in touch with Gary to discuss you goals, or just to ask a question about the book.

Check out:

• Gary Wood’s TikTok account
• Gary’s book Confidence Karma

About the author: Dr Gary Wood specialises in translating in evidence-based psychology and coaching principles into practical solutions. Having taught psychology and learning skills at UK universities, he is a frequent guest on radio and television, offering expert analysis and coaching tips. As a trusted agony uncle for numerous magazines and websites, Gary Wood’s insights are widely quoted in the press, establishing him as a go-to resource for personal growth.

TikTok: The Surprising Social Psychology Playground for Building Confidence

I thought I was over social media. Initially, I welcomed the distraction as an escape from the real world – a place to relax. Then, some platforms morphed into a showcase for the worst aspects of the real world. So, I deleted the apps from my phone and saw my usage plummet. Then I invested the time I saved on ‘doom-scrolling’ in to online courses from FutureLearn and Coursera. However, in a twist, I did a few courses on digital marketing with an eye on creating social change. Now I’m beginning to see social media in a new light, particularly TikTok. So if, like me, you thought TikTok is just an app full of dancing teens, think again. Its moved on.

I was aware of the app from younger relatives, and I looked at it probably a year ago. I thought it was brash and shallow and a massive waste of time. So, what changed? First, TikTok has changed, and this is user-led. When people adopt innovations, they often use them innovatively. With social media platforms, it’s never just about the content; it’s how we can use them meaningfully, both personally and culturally.

The catalyst for me revisiting TikTok was the re-publication of my confidence book. The publisher’s marketing team mentioned it. I agreed to have another look and discovered #BookTok. And I soon realized that there is a ‘Tok’ for pretty much anything! Yet, I still found the app to be brash and bewildering, but I slowly started to warm to it. My first move was to call in the experts to help me make sense of it, that is, my nephews and nieces. I only had to say, ‘Can you teach me about TokTik’ for them to laugh and ‘Show the oldie how it’s done’. Next, I signed up for a webinar on #BookTok and then did the Coursera specialization ‘Marketing with TikTok’, which I highly recommend. So with more information and a renewed sense of purpose, I changed too.

Now, it’s early days, but after following a few people on TikTok, I’ve realised that anything goes. That is, if I can get my sausage fingers to press the right keys on my phone at the right time. Quickly, I came to enjoy the sense of community on the app. To me, as a social psychologist, it is the most appealing aspect. We all crave connection and belonging and want to tell our stories to anyone who will listen. Also, as a coach, I appeal to clients’ imagination and creativity. TikTok is based on fun, creativity, a sense of belonging and collaboration. Ernest Hemingway once said, ‘We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.’ And as Oscar Wilde is supposed to have said ‘Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.’ These two quotations sum up TikTok.

The platform’s ethos is about creating a place where people get to express themselves in an authentic way. There’s less need for Instagram’s surface gloss and glamour. What appeals to me personally is TikTok’s brevity. Although we might argue that it’s contributing to shorter attention spans, it’s also an encouragement to ‘get to the ******* point!’ We can say a lot in 60 seconds. In that time, we can tell a complete story. And as a psychologist and coach, in a minute, I can give you a tool, tip, or technique to help boost your confidence. TikTok can be a goldmine for this type of content. But like anything else, the platform can be a timewaster. It is designed to keep you there as long as possible. And that’s where your goals come in. You need to use TikTok with a purpose in mind. That could be entertainment, empowerment, or education, but it helps to set a time limit. TikTok should break up the day not take over the day.

I know I will use TikTok in line with my values. My book is called ‘Confidence Karma: How to Become Confident and Help Others Feel Great Too’. And several themes in the book align with TikTok’s ethos. The central pillar of the book is ‘you boost your own confidence as you seek to build confidence in others’. The book is about helping you feel comfortable in your own skin and helping others do the same. I call it self-help with a social conscience, or self-help for social good. And running through the book is the theme of writing your own 60-second ‘elevator pitch’ to sell yourself which is perfect for TikTok. So do check out the book and join me on TikTok too. I’m still figuring it all out so it would be great to work it out together. Let’s have fun making sure what goes around comes around, that is, kindness, confidence, compassion, and creativity. See you there.

And I’ll end on the line from my first TikTok: Confidence loves company. Be the one to pass it on.

Check out:

• Gary Wood’s TikTok account
• Gary’s book Confidence Karma
• Coursera’s Marketing with TikTok

About the author: Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist, personal development coach and broadcaster. He works with companies and individuals to translate evidence-based psychology and coaching into down-to-earth, workable solutions. He has taught psychology and learning skills in several UK universities and regularly appears on radio and television offering expert analysis and coaching tips. He has been an agony uncle for magazines and websites and is widely quoted in the press. Get in touch with Gary to discuss you goals, or just to ask a question about the book.

The Confidence Paradox – the Courage to Act

Sometimes there’s a time lag between recognizing we need help and support and, taking action to get that help and support. As a coach, it’s not unusual for potential new clients to tell me that they have been thinking about getting in touch ‘for ages’. Others describe it as ‘trying to pluck up the courage’ to get in touch, or ‘psyching themselves up’. So, the challenge for me as a coach is how I can make it easier for people to take that step. This blog post is an attempt to address that question.

The Confidence-Courage Paradox

It seems a paradox that some people might need to gain the confidence to seek coaching to build confidence. But it happens, and the first step is to recognize that it happens. When your confidence takes a hit, it’s tempting to see the hesitation to take action as further evidence of low confidence. This becomes another reason to ‘beat yourself up’ which in turn pushes you further away from taking action. But this is not something specific to you. It’s something common to stress. I’ve had clients show me tattered business cards of mine that they’ve carried around for months, even years. So how can we break this cycle?

Who can benefit from coaching?

Often, in the initial email, potential clients ask ‘Is this something you can help with?’ And it’s written from a very personal perspective, as though these kinds of issues wouldn’t or haven’t happened to anyone else. There’s a sense of isolation and ‘aloneness’ in the questions. And it’s reassuring that yes, such issues can be overcome. Of course, the coaching is unique to the individual, but often the problems are universal themes. Recognizing this is the first step in overcoming the ‘aloneness’. You aren’t alone. It’s not just you. That’s why I’ve written this post.

Anyone can benefit from coaching. In fact, the main thing that my clients have in common is that they want to achieve their goals. Their backgrounds and goals vary enormously, but the principles of coaching are the same. It aims to get you from where you are to where you want to be. Previous clients have included people between jobs, people looking for a promotion, homemakers, students, business people, and entrepreneurs. Sometimes it’s people who just have a vague sense that things could be better. As a coach, I’ll work with whatever you bring. So bring it on.

Not knowing where to start

Another delay in getting in touch is the idea that all goals and action plans have to be perfectly formed. No, that’s the coaching process is for. It’s not easy to make decisions and problem-solve when feeling overwhelmed or stressed. In fact, the first aim of coaching is to shoulder some of that burden. So, if you approached me, we’d first have a chat (via Skype or telephone), and typically it takes about 20 minutes. You get to ask any questions, and I explain the process. Then if you decide to go ahead, I send you a pre-coaching questionnaire. This forms the basis of the first session and offers signposts and milestones for future sessions. There’s nothing off-the-peg. As I coach, I meet you where you’re at. Then we’ll work together to get you to where you want to be.

How long does it take?

Another sticking point can be how many sessions to go for? Some clients come with a long list of goals and are concerned that they won’t be able to fit everything in. Obviously, the cost of coaching is an important factor. I offer to coach in blocks of four to ten sessions because the research indicates that this is the optimal range. In the consultation chat, I’mn often asked two questions:

1. How many sessions will be enough so that we can cover all the issues I have?
2. What happens of cover all the issues before the block ends, what then?

To answer both of the questions, it’s crucial first to emphasize the purpose of coaching. It’s not just about sorting out problems. It’s more about empowerment. The take-away value of coaching is that it aims to empower. Through the process of coaching, we create an action plan tailor-made to your skills, strengths, circumstances and goals. So, if we don’t cover every single issue in the block of coaching, you’ll still have a set of skills to put into practice for the remainder. If we cover all the issues before the end of the block, it means you can then look at consolidating the skills and also looking to longer-term goals.

The solution-focused approach tends to work quicker than some of the more ‘inspirational’ approaches to coaching. My background is in psychology and teaching, so everything I do as a coach is based on evidence. So we can cover a lot in relatively few sessions. Many clients express surprise as to how quickly they move forward. As a rule of thumb, if you’re at crossroads, need to refocus and a looking for a life audit, then go for four to six sessions. If you’re dealing with more significant life changes or looking to deal with more deep-seated attitudes and habits, then go for eight to ten. If in doubt, go down the middle. I’ve done a lot of work to make sure that every session counts. Even one session can move your forward. 

What’s more effective, face-to-face, telephone or Skype?

When I started coaching, I was sceptical that Skype or telephone would work as well as face-to-face. As part of my training, I had coaching. However, the coach I wanted to work with was in America, so I didn’t have the option of face-to-face. All the sessions were by telephone, and it changed my opinion. Now I work with clients up and down the UK and across the world. Lots of clients are from the US. They read my profile or have read my books and want to work with me. And, if you look at the outcome research for coaching (and counselling), one of the main factors for success is the relationship with the coach. Don’t let Skype or telephone coaching put you off.

Moving Forward

So those are some of the practical issues when stress gets in the way of making a decision. You don’t have to be confident to work on confidence, you don’t have to have a masterplan, you don’t have to agonize over the number of sessions. Just go with what you can afford and make the most of every session. The same applies to how coaching is delivered. 

Coaching can be a significant investment. It’s not cheap. I’m not a budget coach. And you might achieve the changes on your own with any intervention. It might take a little longer, but you’ll probably get there. The value of coaching is the value you place on getting there sooner, with a new set of skills that will take you further still. For further information see my posts:

• What is solution-focused coaching?
• FAQs Frequently asked questions about coaching with me
• How Do You Know You Are Ready For Life Coaching? (and is it right for you?)
• How to Find a Life Coach (and the questions you need to ask before hiring one)

Get in touch for a chat

Please use this form to request a coaching consultation – it’s just a brief, informal, no-strings chat. You don’t have to leave a message – just leave it blank. Once we’ve had a conversation, you make the decision.

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An Ambition Realized: Author Talk – Confidence-Karma at Watkins Books

Anyone who knows me knows that I love books, that means proper books. I’m a tactile learner, I love the touch of real paper. For me if I’m reading a real ‘page-turner’, I actually want to turn the page (not swipe a screen). The internet is a wonderful thing but, for me, nothing beats wandering around a book shop and making a discovery. My favourite book shop is Watkins Books in London. It’s an esoteric bookshop and has been established over 100 years. Every time I visit London, a trip to Watkins is an absolute must. Just a walk along the little alley (Cecil Court) feels like a trip back in time. It’s also been a long-standing ambition to give a talk there and recently that ambition was realized and fortunately filmed for posterity. I was also interviewed in preparation for the talk (see link below).

The talk was entitled simply Confidence-Karma. It’s a concept that I introduced in my book Unlock Your Confidence. Essentially, confidence-karma is about how to boost your own confidence by focusing on boosting confidence in others.  The book outlines my unique approach to confidence building and brings together solution focused coaching, social psychology, positive psychology, teaching and learning theory together with some esoteric ideas, many of which I discovered during trips to Watkins. Here’s the video:

The link to the on-line magazine interview that accompanies: Watkins Magazine : Meet Dr Gary Wood

One of the main strands of my work is life coaching. Clients approach me about work-life balance, career change, general personal development and of course confidence building. My coaching (and training) practice is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh, UK, although through wonders of technology I offer coaching nationally and internationally via Skype.If you happen to have purchased my book, I even deduct the cost of it from a block booking of coaching. If you’d like to ask find out more (or ask questions about the book), please get in touch:

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• More blog posts on confidence and coaching by Dr Gary Wood

Combining Business with Pleasure: A Cup of Coffee as a Measure of Confidence

I was delighted to contribute a blog post to Coffee Birmingham. The site is dedicated to raising the profile of Birmingham’s independent coffee shops. The post is entitled Confidence, Coaching and a Cup of Coffee. Essentially it’s about how a simple thing such as visiting a coffee show can be a measure of confidence. It was great fun writing it as I managed to combine a few of my passions and link them to my coaching practice. Please check it out: http://coffeebirmingham.co.uk/coaching/ and do leave at comment and share with your friends and colleagues.

About the author

Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist and life coach. He is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh where he runs his own training and (life) coaching practice and research consultancy. He is fan of great coffee and wrote most of his book  Unlock Your Confidence over innumerable flat whites. Use the form below to contact Gary to see how his solution focused (life) coaching approach would benefit you or your organization. Meeting up over a coffee is a distinct possibility!

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A Short Exercise in Self-Belief (and banishing self-doubt)

Most people at some time are plagued by self-doubt. Many people struggle to accept compliments and praise. A key factor is practice. Certainly, in Britain there’s a saying that self-praise is no praise at all. I’d like to counter that with the adage that ‘charity begins at home’ and offer a short exercise in self-belief.

The feedback I’ve had from a number of people in my workshops is that they find the self-compliment exercise from my book (Unlock Your Confidence) is particularly hard to do. All I ask that you look in the mirror, look yourself in the eye pay yourself a compliment. I consider this to be a litmus test of confidence and esteem. And true, it also transgresses the social more of never having anything nice to say about yourself.

What kind of a rule is that? It’s certainly not a basis for greater self-assurance or self-efficacy – the sense that we are effective agents in the world.

Instead, try this:

• Recently, I’ve adapted this idea and ask people to set a stopwatch for just 60 seconds.
• Close your eyes and compliment yourself against the clock. See how many compliments and things to praise yourself about that you can cram in to 60 seconds. It does matter if you repeat yourself, just keep going for the full minute.
• When you’ve mastered that, try it for two minutes and work your way up to three minutes.
• Now try 60 seconds in front of a mirror with eyes open.

As with any skill, you get better as your practice, so build it into part of your daily routine. Before you get out of bed each morning, close your eyes and praise yourself for 60 seconds. Use the technique before challenging tasks too.

This technique helps to balance out the cultural bias towards negative self-talk. In my confidence building workshops people describe themselves as feeling ‘lighter’, ‘more energized’ and ‘more optimistic’. Of course I’ve tried it out myself, and indeed there is a shift in my energy and posture. So try it yourself (for a month) and let me know how you get on. What impact does it have on self-doubt, self-belief and self-efficacy?

Combine this with my Getting the Gratitude Attitude Exercise ( with Free PDF Diary Sheet)

Links:

• There are lots more simple and effective techniques in the book Unlock Your Confidence.
• Other coaching and confidence building blog posts from Gary Wood

If you found this post useful:

• Please leave comments below
• Use the buttons below to ‘like’ and share the post with friends and colleagues
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About the author

Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist and life coach. He is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh where he runs his own training and coaching practice and research consultancy. He is author of Unlock Your Confidence which is based on his confidence-building workshops. Contact Gary to see how his solution focused (life) coaching approach would benefit you or your organization.

Has mindfulness become a dirty word? And why it’s just really about connecting more fully with everyday life

Is mindfulness becoming a dirty word? Has it become the most over-used concept since Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Judging from some of the comments I hear in coaching consultations and training, for some people it has taken on all the baggage that goes with the idea of meditation. It’s the idea that it’s all very impractical ‘head in the clouds, aerie-faerie nonsense’ that lacks meaning or relevance for everyday life. In this post I challenge some of these negative misconceptions by offering some down-to-earth examples of mindfulness in action.

How we define a concept shapes our attitudes towards it. Sometimes mindfulness is presented as something we need to add to our already-busy lives. However, it’s really just about ‘present moment awareness’. When you watch a sunrise or a sunset, your full attention is on the present.That’s mindfulness. When you become totally absorbed in your hobby (or goals), that’s mindfulness.

There are many things we do on ‘auto-pilot’. When we first learn a new skill we have to pay attention to the details. When the skill becomes automatic our minds can wonder. You might listen to two singers or musicians of equal technical ability both perform a piece and prefer one over the other. One you might describe as ‘really feeling it’ and the other as ‘just going through the motions’ or ‘phoning in the performance’.

Examples of everyday mindfulness

Food

Research has shown that mindfulness has a positive impact on the more mundane pleasures in life such as eating. This is a particular ‘hobby of mine and it’s been said that I’m often far too vocal about my appreciation of a good meal (although I stop short of a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ mment). When we really pay attention and appreciate the food we tend to eat fewer calories than when slumped in front of the TV shovelling in the food on autopilot. Think how much popcorn we consume at the cinema when our attention is elsewhere. So any healthy eating could start with actually making a conscious attempt to pay attention to the food. Food is best served with the lights on and the TV off.

Taking Up A Hobby

Who can forget the sight of Ozzy Osbourne sitting in his kitchen colouring-in (in the first season of The Osbournes reality TV show)? However recent research suggests that the ‘prince of darkness’ was on to something. Colouring-in can be good for us. In effect it puts us in a state of mindfulness as pay attention to the task of ‘not going over the lines’. Research published in the Journal of Occupational and Organisational Psychology, found that people who pursue creative activities outside the workplace deal with stress better and performance improves at work, even humble ‘colouring-in’.

In book Unlock Your Confidence I mention how a simple walk in nature can boost feelings of self-esteem. According to writer Richard Louw connecting with nature boosts creativity and health. Not surprisingly, research also shows that spending time gardening can also increase feelings of well-being. They ground us in the present moment.

This all fits in with the concept of ‘flow’ in positive psychology. Put simply ‘flow’ is the state of total absorption in a task or activity when we appear to lose all sense of time. According to positive psychologist, Mihály Csíkszentmihályi (pronounced ‘Chick-sent-me-high’).spending time in ‘flow’ is a definition of happiness.

Mindfulness is about engaging more fully with life

Mindfulness doesn’t have to feel like an alien activity. You can connect with the present moment in very ordinary ways that support your everyday life. The difference is that you connect more fully with your life.

So next time you hear the world mindfulness in a training course, in a magazine, book or on TV, just take it as a prompt to ask ‘where’s my attention now? Is it on the activity in hand? If not, take it is a signal to reconnect and engage with what you are doing.

Links

• The new relaxation craze: Can staying between the lines keep us on track?
• Horticultural therapy: ‘Gardening makes us feel renewed inside’

• Connecting With Nature Boosts Creativity and Health

• Check out other coaching and confidence building posts by Gary Wood

• Check out books by Dr Gary Wood and his recommendations on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

If you found this post useful:

• Please leave comments below
• Use the buttons below to ‘like’ and share the post with friends and colleagues
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About the author

Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist and life coach. He is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh where he runs his own training and coaching practice and research consultancy. He is author of Unlock Your Confidence which is based on his confidence-building workshops. Contact Gary to see how his solution focused coaching approach would benefit you or your organization.

Displacement Activities: How We Use Them to Maintain Confidence and How to Use Them for Problem Solving

Displacement activities are things we choose to do instead of doing the things we are supposed to be doing. Many of us have at sometime succumbed to the lure of de-scaling the kettle over the call of a pressing deadline. When I was writing Don’t Wait For Your Ship to Come in Swim Out to Meet It  I was struggling with one chapter and woke up one morning with the bright idea that the bathroom needed redecorating. Of course I justified it because of the water connection: bathrooms and ships are quite similar, and I did use a bit of blue paint to create a nautical theme. In this post, we’ll look at the reasons for choosing displacement activities as well as how they can actually be useful in problem solving.

We engage in displacement activity when tasks seem overwhelming, boring, or when we resent having to do them at all (negative attitude). Sometimes we do them when we feel stuck, figuring that doing something is better than doing nothing at all. Sometimes we’ll defend ourselves by arguing that what we are doing is essential to the main task.

Feeling overwhelmed, so doing something else instead

Overwhelming tasks and goals affect our confidence. When things seem too daunting the temptation is to do something else instead. Self-efficacy is the sense of how effectively we operate in the world. Choosing a simpler more manageable task helps maintain our sense that we can get things done, even though these tasks may have nothing to do with our main goals. The cornerstone of goal-setting is to break big goals down into smaller manageable chunks.

Preparation, preparation, preparation

Over the years of working with students, the ‘study timetable’ seems like essential preparation but often becomes a displacement activity. I’ve seen study time tables so beautifully illustrated it would put the illuminations of medieval monks to shame with the intricacy and sophistication of the designs. The timetables are often laminated although I have no idea why they need to be splash proof! Yes it’s important to prepare but it should not displace the main goal.

To prepare effectively for a task we first need to know what the task entails and what we are going to need to complete it. A good metaphor for goal setting is a recipe (or a scientific experiment). We need to clearly state what ingredients we need and the step-by-step procedure to get an end result.

How attitudes can move us forward or hold us back

When we judge a task to be boring, we’ll pretty much do anything else to avoid it. It’s another key theme I use in academic coaching with students. Sometimes we get a sense of overwhelm when the task ahead appears monotonous. Some students protest that studying for exams is plain boring. However, this is their choice. By finding more interesting ways to study and by incorporating all of our senses, we can take away some of the sense of overwhelm and change our attitude to the task. We process information more effectively if we approach the task with a positive attitude. After all if we have to do something then resenting it only makes it more painful. By finding a way to make a task more manageable and more interesting we can boost our sense of self efficacy.

Displacement activities and problem solving

Sometimes when trying to solve a problem we just get stuck. In this case, a bit of displacement (more accurately ‘distraction’) might actually help. Have you ever noticed when you have hit a block with a problem that the solution just seems to pop into your head when you’re doing something else? This is a recognised phenomenon in psychology. Our brains continue to work on the problem in the background. It’s known as incubation or as I call it ‘putting things in my cognitive slow cooker’. It works best when you have really tried to solve a problem as hard as you can. In essence you’ve already given it your best shot. Now admittedly my ‘decorating the bathroom’ was a bit extreme. However, I had been working on the book for more than fourteen hours a day for over a week. It got to the point where I just needed to do something else. So to get the most out of this psychological phenomenon pick something that uses a different set of skills to the main task, that is, create some variety/balance. Alternatively, just go for a walk in the park. Taking a break gives our brains a chance to absorb the information.

In Summary

When we are drawn to displacement activities at the start of a task it is the sign that we need to change our attitude, look for redeemable qualities in the task, use more of your skills and senses to make the task more interesting, break the task down into smaller milestones and just take action.

The sense of self-efficacy gained from displacement activities is just a quick fix. It deals with the negative emotions associated by the sense of overwhelm but it is by taking control of the situation that leads to lasting confidence.

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• Use the buttons below to ‘like’ and share the post with friends and colleagues
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About the author

Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist and life coach. He is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh where he runs his own training and coaching practice and research consultancy. He is author of Unlock Your Confidence which is based on his confidence-building workshops. Contact Gary to see how his solution focused coaching approach would benefit you or your organization.

Links:

• Check out other coaching and confidence building posts by Gary Wood

• Check out books by Dr Gary Wood and his recommendations on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Calmer – Confidence – Compassion Meditation (with Script) for Dealing With Difficult People

In psychology we know that the states of anxiety and relaxation cannot co-exist. This has become the mainstay of behavioural therapy for dealing with phobias and other anxiety disorders. We can also adapt this approach when dealing with ‘difficult people’. Some may argue that there’s no such thing as a ‘difficult person’ only ‘difficult behaviour’, However, when we are on the receiving end of someone whose habitual patterns of behaviour cause us distress, the distinction really doesn’t matter.

In the, Dhammapada, a collection of Buddhist sayings, there’s one that says ‘ Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on loving-kindness’. This saying was the inspiration for a the Loving-Kindness meditation that is used in the Broaden-and-Build in positive psychology. The idea is that we gain more by actively cultivating positive emotions rather than forever trying to ‘mop up’ negative feelings.

I’ve adapted the loving-kindness meditation for my confidence building approach which is based on our ability to feel comfortable in our skin, that is, to be able to relax. True inner confidence comes from stillness, whereas the busy ‘in your face’ over-confidence is often masking anxiety. Another key theme is in my approach is the concept of confidence-karma. This is the idea that we build confidence in ourselves as we build it in others. So this is how I devised the calmer-confidence-compassion meditation for my confidence building workshops. The idea that it helps to lay the foundations for positive interactions, even with the people we find objectionable.

The Calmer-Confidence-Compassion Basic Script

• Begin with long, slow deep breaths to relax. As you breathe out, repeat the word ‘calmer’
• Start directing feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion to yourself
• Smile and mentally repeat the mantra ‘calmness, confidence and compassion’ for a few breaths
• Reflect on your positive qualities, and make a positive statement about yourself
• Continue to direct feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion to yourself
• Now direct your attention to someone (not a family member or friend), who you admire and respect; it could be respected public figure or a spiritual leader
• Direct feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion to them and see them smiling at you (and sending back feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion). Take a moment to experience the positive feelings.
• Now imagine a close friend, a family member or a loved one and direct feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion to them.
• See them smiling and redirecting the feelings back to you, taking a moment to experience the feelings
• Now imagine a neutral person to whom you have no special feelings, such as a shop keeper or the person who delivers the post.
• Direct feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion to them and see them smiling to you (and sending feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion back). Take a moment to experience the positive feelings.
• Now consider a ‘difficult person in your life’, someone you are currently having issues with.
• Direct feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion to them and see them smiling to you (and sending feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion back). Take a moment to experience these feelings.
• Now bring your attention back to you and direct the feelings of calmness, confidence and compassion to yourself. Smile and repeat the mantra (‘calmness, confidence and compassion’).
• After taking a few long, slow, deep breaths, open your eyes and return your awareness to your surroundings

This is  an edited version and represents the first stage in a three stage process (The full version can be found in Unlock Your Confidence).

The order is always the same:

• begin with yourself
• then focus on a famous figure whom you revere and you don’t know
• then a family member, friend or loved one
• then a neutral person – a casual acquaintance you know by sight
• the difficult person
• back to yourself

Practised regularly it will open up opportunities to take small, significant actions to boost and build confidence in others. It will also help to begin to change your perceptions of difficult people in your life. You may not see a dramatic transformation but you may well see a few glimmers of light.

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About the author

Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist and life coach. He is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh where he runs his own training and coaching practice and research consultancy. He is author of Unlock Your Confidence which is based on his confidence-building workshops. Contact Gary to see how his solution focused coaching approach would benefit you or your organization.

Links:

• Check out other  coaching and confidence building posts by Gary Wood

• Check out books by Dr Gary Wood and his recommendations on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Self-Help, Personal Growth and the Reluctance to Take Action

You can have a bookcase full of self-help books and attend all the top personal development courses but if you don’t put them into practice then what is the point?

My approach to personal and professional development is solution focused and action oriented. It’s often said that if there ain’t goals then it ain’t coaching. Goals need action plans but to mean anything they have to be followed through. Of course many people get this. People approach me for coaching because they are fired up and ready to go. However, occasionally, I get inquiries from people who are more interested in how I can magically transform them and instill instant motivation and preferably just bring about change without ‘the pain’ of action. The short answer is ‘I’ll work with you and help you to achieve your goals but I won’t work against you!’

My first insight into the ‘transformation by reflection’ rather than action came in the review of my book Don’t Wait For Your Ship to Come In. . . Swim Out To Meet It’. Some bright spark reviewer on Amazon described it is an average self-help book because ‘you do need to apply the advice within if you are to gain something‘. At the time I was surprised at this review. Since this I have encountered similar sentiments in different arenas. I have had inquiries from potential coaching clients who state boldly that they know all about goal setting but ‘just lack motivation’ and don’t know why. When I mention values they usually reply that they know all about values too. Maybe some people are invested in being enigmas or maybe there is just a stronger motivator in their lives other than achieving their goals. Maybe some people feel the need to explore and analyse their feelings and delve into the past. That’s fine but it ain’t coaching.

In my confidence workshops, I use warm-up exercises. These are low threat opportunities to have a little fun and build group cohesion. Occasionally, someone will decide to ‘sit these out’ or on occasion pretend to go to the toilet and never return. For the majority of the people who do take a chance they usually reap the rewards. They feel connected to the group and usually have a good laugh in the process. There’s nothing like a laughter as the perfect platform for learning. Over-reflection and rumination are not the solution they are more likely to be the problem. We need to balance reflection with some action.

I was asked to run a staff development session on how to motivate other people. So I thought I’d offer some skills on motivational interviewing. However the word came back that they ‘don’t want motivational interviewing. We’ve already done that’. My immediate thought was ‘so why don’t you use it then?’ I soon found out why. Instead I offered to do solution-focused coaching skills. The word came back that this sounded fine as long as there was no role play, ‘they don’t like role play’. Role play is the mainstay of coaching and counselling training. I suspect that the motivational interviewing training didn’t contain any practical exercises. They never got to experience the techniques in action and so judged their efficacy on incomplete knowledge (just their thoughts and feelings). I don’t know anyone who ever learned to ride a bike by hearing about it and thinking about it. You have to get on the damn thing and fall off a few times!

Often the solution is to go against our pre-judgement (prejudice) and just try the techniques out anyway. It’s part of the approach of treating new learning experiences as personal experiments. It doesn’t matter if they don’t totally work for you. It’s just important to get some feedback. It’s true that we are not all the same but there are basic psychological principles that apply to us all. We discover our unique way of learning without a broad psychological framework. A key principle is that at some point we need to take action.

Coaching offers a tailor-made personal development programme and at the heart of it is co-operation. It’s a collaborative process. It shouldn’t be the coach working against the client. The coach is the co-pilot not a hostage negotiator! Most of my coaching training involved experiencing the techniques in training. I even went through coaching to support my training. I didn’t have to do it. I just seemed logical that I had to fully experience the process from the perspective of a client.

Much of coaching and training is about attitude change. The three components of attitudes are: feelings, thoughts and actions. Sometimes people focus too heavily on feelings and so avoid moving outside their comfort zone. However, it is only by taking action that we get to fully explore our feelings. Feelings and thoughts are internal. Actions are external. Actions represent fresh input to consider. They can help us to redefine our sense of ourselves. That’s when change can take place.

________________________________

If you found this useful or interesting:

• Please leave comments below
• Use the buttons below to ‘like’ and share the post with friends and colleagues
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About the author

Dr Gary Wood is a social psychologist and life coach. He is based in Birmingham and Edinburgh where he runs his own training and coaching practice and research consultancy. He is author of Unlock Your Confidence which is based on his confidence-building workshops. Contact Gary to see how his solution focused coaching approach would benefit you or your organization.

Links:

• Check out other  coaching and confidence building posts by Gary Wood

• Check out books by Dr Gary Wood and his recommendations on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com